Himura Battousais Guide to Surviving the Bakumatsu
by Ritz-Myst-Sekamu
Summary: Includes handy tips on how to drop a bridge, what not to do in Kyoto, and what to do when you are staring at the point of an assassin’s katana. We got bored again. We will be adding things as we think of them.


Disclaimer: We own _Rurouni Kenshin_ about as much as Garfield owns an Italian restaurant. We'd love to, but it's not gonna happen.

Sekamu: Um, actually, this was both of our ideas this time. Er... she typed it! ;points to Myst;

Myst: o.O; HEY!

Sekamu: Also, beware the OOC'ness. And the fact that Battousai is a schizo. Then again, you probably already knew he was...

Kenshin: This one is NOT CRAZY!

Myst: ;pats Kenshin on the head; But we like you for who you are, Kenshin-sama! I mean, how fun would it be if you were completely sane?

Kenshin: T.T

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**How-To of the Bakumatsu**

_How to drop a bridge:_

1. Wait until everyone is in the middle and about to attack you.

2. Cut the support beams and through the center of the bridge. Ryukansen works well for this.

3. Jump. Don't fall. Falling is painful. Trust me.

_How to avoid getting killed:_

1. That one's easy. Don't carry a sword and you'll get by just fine.

2. Oh, yeah. Don't carry any other weapons.

3. Don't carry hidden weapons or so-called 'shadow instruments'.

4. Don't carry any object that can be used or mistaken as a weapon.

5. Oh, forget this. Just cross your fingers for luck and say your prayers.

_How to avoid getting hired by either the Shinsengumi or the Ishin Shishi:_

1. Don't try out.

2. And if you do, don't show off and don't take bets, even if it is for a ryo.

_How to avoid getting enemies who will pursue you with everlasting vengeance:_

1. Don't kill anyone who has family or friends.

2. Don't have long red hair, a scar on your left cheek, and know Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu

_How to find a good sake bar in Kyoto:_

1. Ask Hiko Seijuro. He'd be glad to help.

2. The Pub Nagura is pretty good. Just ignore the huge bloodstains on the ground out front...

_How to kill:_

1. Learn swordsmanship or some other fighting art of some sort.

2. Rid yourself of troubling emotions.

3. It's always a smart idea to plan ahead. Know the area well, and know your target well.

4. Finally, go out there and slash some throats.

**Who to avoid:**

_Hiko Seijuro:_ My swords master. A real slave driver. Also much stronger than me, and enjoys drinking sake. A lot. Though I've never seen him drunk, avoid him just in case. He can be scary. Unless you need to know where to find a sake bar. Then he can be really helpful.

_Katsura Kogoro: _No offense to the man, but he can be slightly sneaky and manipulative.

_Saitou Hajime: _Never ever _ever_ (multiplied by twenty) get in his way. Especially at night in Kyoto. Especially when he's drunk. Unless you know Hiten Mitsurugi-Ryu, you should really avoid this guy. And I'm fairly certain my master never had another "baka deshi," so...

_Shishio Makoto: _Supposedly going to be my successor. Don't know much else about him, except that he's a pyro. So not only will he kill you, he'll probably burn you alive _as _he kills you. That would not be pleasant. Avoid this man.

_The Sekiho Army:_ They're all being killed off for being false revolutionaries. I don't think this is true... but yeah... do you _want_ to die?

_The Oniwabanshu:_ They're kinda mad at this point in time... I don't think they got to fight all that much over in Edo...

_Me: _'Nuff said.

**What to do if...**

_...you are attacked by a hitokiri._

Try running. It will not work, but try. It's fun to chase.

_...you are supposed to kill a woman._

Um, well... I _was_ supposed to kill a woman, but I fell in love with her. Not a good idea in this era of chaos.

(Tomoe: ;whacks him over head;

Battousai: Itai! I meant 'in this era of chaos!' Any other time would be fine, and I'd gladly fall in love with you again.)

_...everything starts tasting like fouled blood._

Add a little wasabi. This really works. I need water. NOW! ;runs away to get water;

_...some false revolutionaries show up causing trouble._

Threaten them with cold eyes and a threat. If they continue, catch them in a dark alleyway that night and really let 'em have it.

**If you do somehow get caught up in all this mess anyway:**

1. Commit seppuku. Immediately. Saves yourself a lot of grief.

2. Pack your bags and leave Japan for good. Don't come back. And I would not advise going to Shanghai -- I've heard the living conditions there are really awful.

3. Develop any form of insanity. A dual personality can help a lot, even if they blame you for killing way too much. It's nice to have someone to talk to, isn't that right, Kenshin?

(In Battousai's mind, Kenshin is waving a sign that reads "Let me out! No more killing!" He is walking back and forth, chanting "Freedom, freedom, freedom!" This protest goes on for quite a while.)

;sweatdrops; Nevermind that last one.

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Sekamu: You know, I have to agree with a lot of these. Falling is painful, and wasabi tastes horrible.

Myst: No it doesn't! ;commences to force-feed Sekamu wasabi;

Sekamu: EEP! No! Water, water, wwwaaateeerrr!

Myst: Okay! ;snaps fingers- Sekamu is nearly drowned in a sudden rush of water from nowhere;

Sekamu: . I meant in my moouuthh! ;comes back onto dry land, coughing and sputtering; That's better... Note to self, never beg a water _elemental_ for water...

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_Author Notes:_

Bakumatsu - The revolution/civil war thing in Japan during the mid-1800's. Really bloody and violent.

hitokiri - assassin

Ishin Shishi - one of the two main groups involved in the Bakumatsu, they were trying to restore the emperor to power

itai - ow, ouch

katana - traditional Japanese longsword

ryo - a type of money used in Japan back then

sake - rice wine

seppuku - A way of suicide used by samurai. Supposedly was really honorable. To us modern-day Americans, it just sounds painful. And nasty.

Shinsengumi - one of the two main groups in the Bakumatsu, were loyal to the Bakufu (feudal system with samurai and shogun)

wasabi - Really, really, really, _really _spicy green horseradish sauce. And Myst's reason for living. (Sekamu: I HATE IT!)


End file.
